What often feels like unrequited love between immigrant parents and their first-generation children is common, yet even more commonly, it is not openly discussed. In this article, Professor Lan Chaplin discusses her relationship with her mom, who immigrated to the U.S. from Vietnam with her husband and 14 children. She talks about their misunderstandings, what she wishes she had known sooner, and what others can learn from her experience:

• “I wish I had known that my mom was strong, but equally vulnerable.” No matter how well-intentioned, the people who love us most will often project their dreams, fears, and beliefs onto us. This may be especially common for children of first-generation immigrants, many of whom face significant pressures to lead better lives in return for the sacrifices their parents have made. If not managed, however, disagreements between you and your parents can lead to resentment. Focus on understanding each other. Once you build a foundation of empathy and compassion, everything is possible, including peace, understanding, and reconciliation.
• “I wish I had known how to have tough conversations respectfully.” You have the agency to decide what you want to get out of a difficult discussion with your parents, and frame your argument in a way that will set you up to receive it. You also have the agency to decide what you don’t want to discuss, what is a boundary, and what is off limits. If you get unsolicited advice, reserve your energy in these moments by practicing deep listening.
• “I wish I had known that it didn’t have to be all or nothing.” Discovering your true self, independent from your parents’ identity, doesn’t always require you to rebel to extremes. In your own life, be mindful of this. What are you giving up that you don’t want to give up? Are those actions driven by your core beliefs, by spite, or by fear? Are you burning yourself out, and if so, what do you need? Sometimes the answer may be space. Other times, it may be to have a difficult conversation.